Wow
Mood:  happy
I havnt written in a while cuz i have been really busy. Monday I had a tech meeting at the school. It went ok but i am so mad that ted got fired. The new guy is a complete lunatic and doesnt know anything. No one likes him. Tuesday I had to be there at 7 am to help run the staff meeting. I missed the auditorium soooo much. im glad to be beack there. After that I had a cymbal sectional and thats where it gets interesting. Everything started out like normal but hten someone mentioned something about who Kristie likes. I know who it is so we went back and forth saying things in code. it was just all very interesting.
so im adding an entry to this and now it's 9-1-04
i just dont know what to do with myself right now. i feel so empty. today we had a drumline rehearsel/party. it was the first time that i have seen tyler since band camp. i was really emotional inside of myself of course but it was still there. i wanted to slap him and then two seconds later i wanted to kiss him and i was just so angry at myself for not being able to control how i felt. I talked to derek the other day and i was suprised to find that we actually have alot in common. at least in matters of the heart. im really glad though because it gives me another friend to be there for support and protection and just someone to have fun with.

Mood:  irritated
Ugh I HATE it when my parents fight in front of me and my sibs. You would think that they would go into their bedroom or a different room but, no. They just stand out wherever and fight. I hate it so much. They fight mostly about money and us kids. They shouldnt do that in front of us. They have already scarred me with their ways but they could still save the other two ( as dramatic as that sounds ). Somehow it is always inevitably my fault too. If mom spent to much money on grocerys it's because I went with her. If the house is a mess it"s because I didnt clean it. If the kids arent listening, if a bill didnt get paid, etc, somehow it's always my fault. And I have to sit there and listen to it and I cant defend myself or leave the situation because if I move or talk then my head gets bitten off and I get punished. Me and my dad have serious screaming fights and it ussually starts because he is yelling at mom and I try to help out by explaining a situation or whatever and then he turns all of his fury on me. I swear he fights with me just so that he can yell and fight with me and not be held accountable because hes the dad and can do whatever he pleases. Its not fair. I can do everything right and still get yelled at. I hate it when he yells at mom about things that are out of her controll or that she didnt cause. Its like nothing can ever be his fault. If he's missing a tool or something we have to tear the house apart and its not because dad missplaced, oh no, its because one of us touched it and made it dissapear. And then when the case is that he misplaced it he doesnt even apologize for throwing a fit he just, well doesnt do anything. Im sick of him treating my mom like shit and like she doesnt matter and im sicke of him treating me like that as well. He isnt as bad with my sibs and I dont know why but i wish i did. UGH! I JUT WANNA SCREAM ABOUT EVERYTHING. I HATE IT. As if I didnt already have problems with my friends and school and band and everything else. I cant even relax at home because I have to deal with my dad. I cant wait till I have enough money to support myself and move out.

Mood:  spacey
well life is ok today. I talked with Ty on the internet last night and he says he isnt mad at me so I believe him. I have no reason not to. He got his wisdom teeth pulled and is in a lot of pain right now. Don't they give you cool pain killers like vicodin for that crap? LOL.
well anyways I also talked to Robert the other day. Apparently he has talked with Courtney and knows everything that went on at band camp including stuff that I didnt know Courtney knew about. I was mad at first but, you know what I really dont care. I am through with expending any emotion on her. Robert still wants to get together for a walk in the woods. I dont know if I really trust him enough to go into the woods alone with him so I keep thinking of reasons why im busy. Sometimes I really am and sometimes im not.
Lauren emailed me the other day and i was really happy to talk to her. She wanted to hear all about band camp so she got a REALLY long email! LOL! She enjoyed all my stories though and it was good to talk to her. We have to get together soon and do something like go see a movie or go horseback riding or something.
I havnt heard from Jim in a while and that makes me sad. We well he decided that i had to come over to his house and spend the day with him sometime before school started. He said he would make it be the best day ever and it would be the perfect prescription for... post band camp findings. He said hed call me tommorrow so who knows.

Tears
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: Poem
Tears

Shattered dreams and broken promises
Fallen hopes and lost love
Chances not taken and regrets abundant
And always the constant nervous nagging of fear
All blend together to form
A barricade of unshed tears
Every once in a while a tiny piece crumbles
Overall the strength of will holds strong
Cant let anyone see me cry
Not a soul can see me be so weak
I must hold myself together
Put on a false facade
All the while screaming to be set free
To rely on someone else to be strong
A silent death to which I fall
With no one ever knowing, seeing, hearing
All alone I must stand
Even as my reserves run dry
Inside sobs rack my body
Screams rip through my mind
The loss of innocence, hope and faith
That something greater is waiting for me
My world slowly fails me
A single tear I let drop
My best friend betrays me
Only one tear do I shed
Love ever cunning and evasive
A tear falls but cry must I not
For everything that hurts
The pain of love, loss, the past present and future
A tear is inlaid into my wall of defenses
To remind me of what is, was and may or may not be
But never ever can I let them fall

7-26-05

Mood:  lazy
So I met a guy online today and hes really cool. He made me feel really good about myself which is something that I really needed. He said that he wishes that there were girls like me down where he lives because i am like everything that he looks for in a girl. And he didnt care that i was overweight and said that the guys who look down on me because of it are stupid. It just made me feel like there is hope out there for me to be loved by someone. I just have to get out of michigan. lol. I wish there were guys like him here as well. i really need to move because im talkin to another really cool guy right now and all the guys in michigan suck! lol! oh well im gonna post this and go i think so ill talk later.

Another day
Mood:  not sure
I sent Courtney an... interesting e-mail the other day and she still hasnt responded to me yet. I think that maybe she is trying to ignore it and hoping that it will all blow over. Things with me and her have been... on edge for quites some time. We both kept each other around for different reosons. I kept her around because I knew that as long as we were "friends" I could use her and have someone to hang out with even if it wasnt enjoyable. For a while I didnt have any faith that anyone else would be there for me. Theres still one person that I dont know if I can count on because sometimes I can and sometimes I cant and I never know which it is. Finally though I just got so fed up with her that I decided I would rather be alone than with her. Also I had a couple of my friends who kept telling me that I needed to get away from her and that she was no good and trying to protect me from her. So I also realized that if they didnt care and if they wouldnt be there for me they wouldnt be doing that. So the last straw came and went and we didnt talk to each other. and when I got to band camp I still wasnt talking to her and I had more fun there than I have in a long time, without her. And the reason that she was keeping me around is because I am her only ties to her old friends that are better friends with me than she ever will be again. I have recently realized that there is one exception to that though. She can have them in one way that I will never be able to have them in... She will always be able to get them to kiss her and make out with her and tell her that she is wonderful. I dont know why and the guys i am talking about are to complicated for me to even try to figure it out but i am really really jeolous that she can do that with them. I have gotten over it to an extent because I know that that is just a fleeting thing and supposedly none of them have feelings for her anymore. But it still irks me that it happens. Also Tyler i think has been ignoring me. I could be reading more into it than is reality but i dont know. I think maybe he is avoiding me. esspecially after the im convo that we had the other day, and how he signed off on me. but hopefully hell get back on the internet tonight and ill be able to talk to him. I hate being mad at him. I hate feeling sad and hurt. I hope he isnt mad at me. I hate not knowing.

*sigh*
Mood:  quizzical
Ugh! The world is out to get me. I swear every time I turn on the radio there is a love song playing or on the tv, one of those movies where best friends fall in love. I gave up trying to watch tv or listen to music. I just started doing busy work in my room and i went and sat outside for a while, played with my kittens, bassically anything that I could do to try not to think. The bad thing... It didnt work. And then I got online and he got on but he put his away message on so I assumed that he was ignoring me since he had his away message on the last time i signed on and he was on. so anyway i told him that and he said that he was raiding. I believe him but i didnt believe that he wasnt also doing it to not have to talk to me. so I just said yeah ok. so he said "You don't believe me do you?" and then he put a sad cow face. Damnit it's hard to be mad at him when he's being cute! But I tell ya what it was easy to be mad at him when he signed off on me. Ass. lol. But in all seriousness we really do need to have a talk. You know the kind where both people talk and ask questions and reply. I just want him to give me a real answer not a cop out one like "I dont know". *sigh* whatever. I guess if he cares he will try and fix this bad happening in our friendship. And if he doesnt care that much then I guess I just want him to let me know so that I can not believe him and then try and get over the fact that no matter how much I care or how much he cares he is to afraid to have a real friendship with me for whatever reason. I really am hoping for the former.

I Told You
Mood:  down
I Told You

I told you that I cared and you ignored me
I told you that I’d get over it and you laughed
I asked you why and you lied
I could see it in your eyes
I asked you to think of me as a friend
Not just another girl that likes you
You don’t know if you can, I can tell
An awkward situation made worse
I love you and you know it
I shouldn’t, I can’t
I must try to move on, away from you
I told you id never give up on you and I wont
But I don’t know if I can be near you
I want you to care, to trust me, to be by friend
I told you this, and you did nothing
Now im beating myself up for telling you
I cant believe that I finally did after so long
Now I must deal with the aftermath
I must be strong again, like always
Same old story, different day
On my own again for always and ever
I told you I cared, and you broke my heart

8-19-05

Untitled Poem
Mood:  not sure
Untitled

I'm so close and yet so far
I can be a mere few inches from you
Yet we seem to be worlds apart
But then you look at me
Even if by accident and
I see something, I feel something
I have no idea what it is but
Suddenly we don’t seem so far away
And I long to hold you
When you look at me my world stops
My barriers come down against my will
At that moment I know you can see my soul
I don’t know how much you really care
Or if you even care enough to look
All I know is at that moment I long for you
More than I ever have before
Long to hold you
Long to kiss you
I long for you and love you
When you look at me

8-14-05

Band Camp/Tyler
Mood:  don't ask
Wow! I have no idea what to think right now. I just got back from band camp the other day and it was... interesting. The good was reallly good and the bad was really bad. I had a lot of fun with all of my friends and made a lot of memories. I never expected to do some of the things that i did though. For one thing, i never expected to fall back in love with Tyler. He is one of my good friends (at least I thought) but i've had feelings for him as more than a friend for quite a while. At the end of the last school year I couldnt look at him without getting butterflies in my stomach. However, over the summer i didnt see him at all and it gave me a chance to get controll of my feeling and to get over him. But somehow being with him all week at band camp i started to get jeolous again of the time he spent with his other friends and i guess that reminded me that I had feelings for him. The other thing i NEVER expected i would do was to tell him. OMG i still can't believe i did it. He didnt really talk about anything (he never does) he just said that he knew. I knew that he knew but i still had wanted him to hear it from me. The thing is that now im even more confused than i was before. I cant love him. It's pointless to love someone who doesnt love you. Hell, it's hard enough to try and be his friend because he wont let me see the real him. I think hes afraid and he has hinted at as much. I know that he cares I just wish that he wasnt afraid to show it. I know that I will get over him again because I did it once (I wish he would believe me). I think that he is one person that I will always love (friend love) no matter what. Which brings me to my next problem. I found out yesterday that Tyler made out with Courtney. Now that was one of the lowest blows that he could give me and i'll tell you why. Courtney is and ex best friend of mine and Tyler has been trying to get me away from her for some time. He has protected me from her and made me laugh when she betrayed me. And then he goes and does this. I dont know what goes through his head at times like that. I hate crying because it makes me feel weak and I especially hate crying over Tyler because I know that he'll never care that much about me. I want so badly to be crying because I hate him, but I dont. I wish I could hate him for hurting me so bad but instead i just feel hurt and betrayel. Anger is so much easier to deal with. I dont know why I care so much. If someone asked me I wouldnt be able to answer them. Its just something I feel and cant explain. I wish I knew how to show him that i am different from other people. That I would never hurt him. That he can trust me. I wish that he would care enough about me to ask questions and start conversations with me instaed of me having to do all the work. What frustrates me the most is that I think he cares enough to do all of that and more but e thinks that by showing it, by getting close to me something will go bad. If something went bad it wouldnt be for lack of careing on my part. Now not only do I have to get over the fact that he wont ever love me ( hell no one ever will. I'm ugly and overweight and aparently unworthy of anything genuine) but I also have to deal with the fact that he made out with Courtney even after all hes done to protect me and get me away from that very person. I am just so confused.
I am really proud of the fact that I have had more courage in the last week than ever before. I told Tyler that I liked him, I told Courtney that her and all the people in her head can Fuck Off and Ive gotten closer to people on Drumline and in band that i wouldnt have before. I'm proud of myself for being strong and being able to deal even though im all alone. I still wish that I could have someone to help me and support me. Someone to give me a shoulder to cry on and be strong for me so i could be weak for once. But it is good to know i am able to do it on my own.

P.S. Sorry to anyone reading this if it was hard to follow. When I have so much emotion and thoughts running wild in my head sometimes its hard to stay on one wavelength.